Reality Check

Above is the “mug shot” of Larry “the toe-tapper” Craig. He is the former Senator from Idaho who opened our eyes to an underbelly world that most of us never knew (and never wanted to know) existed. Larry was back in the news this week, but probably for the last time.

As you may recall, in June 2007 Larry moseyed into a favorite homosexual pick-up joint- a restroom at the Minneapolis airport.  He found himself a comfy stall and commenced a series of toe-taps and hand gestures which in gay bathroom solicitation lingo said "come on over big fella" to the guy in the stall next door. Unfortunately for Lar, his stall neighbor was an undercover cop. He was arrested and ultimately pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct.

When the news broke, Larry had a change of heart and decided he wanted to take back his guilty plea. He claimed he was a hapless dupe.  He wasn’t a peacock spreading his feathers in the bathroom, just a Senator with happy feet.

This story spooked all straight men. Was this going on around us all the time and we didn’t know? Had you been propositioned in a stall by a toe-tapper and not even realized it?  Could you ever sit in an airport stall again? If you do, you better cement your feet to the floor or risk sending the wrong message. You wear your iPod into the bathroom at your own peril. If a happy tune comes on that makes you dance a jig, you could wind up with an unexpected guest.

The sad saga of Larry Craig appears to finally be over. He didn’t seek reelection to the Senate last November and this week he gave up the fight to reverse his conviction when he announced that he would not appeal the matter to the Minnesota Supreme Court.

Larry now appears nightly in a drag show in Miami Beach.

That isn’t true. I’m sure Larry is living quietly back in Idaho and enjoys “Dancing with the Stars".

* I keep seeing reports in the news about how girthy Oprah has become. To the extent that I care at all, I like fat Oprah better. Really fit people get a little preachy and condescending. A little fat gives them some humility.  The extremely fit are also extremely dull. Most conversations devolve into a discussion of their diet and exercise.

* The lowest forms of human existence at the mall are the perfume sprayers and the kiosk workers. The perfume sprayers are the street beggars of the mall. Just don’t make eye contact and keep moving and you’re fine. The kiosk workers are aggressive and get right in your kitchen. They ask annoying questions to start a dialogue with you. They force you to be rude to them. They’re like hepped up carnies. I thought there were new rules designed to allow me to pass in peace. We should be allowed to give them a quick blast of pepper spray. Nothing debilitating, just a warning shot. If the perfume ladies sold spritzers of pepper stray, I’d stop for them.

* Christmas is a time for traditions. My fellow Norwegians and I aren’t doing an adequate job of bringing Norway to Brookfield. No Santa Lucia festival. No lefse to be found anywhere. Part of the problem is that Norwegian culinary traditions are mostly horrid.  We are not known for great food. Traditional Norwegian Christmas involves five courses, four of which are fish. Lefse is the exception to the rule and perhaps the greatest contribution of Norway to modern society. When I was a kid we drove to Stoughton and bought lefse from a Norwegian immigrant who made it from scratch. The purchase was complicated by the fact that she spoke no English. We bought from the same woman for thirty years until she rudely retired at age 93. Now I’m lefseless. The grocery stores sell tortillas they package as “lefse”, but it’s an insult to Oles everywhere. Somebody local needs to start making lefse from scratch. If you have a lefse dealer you can hook me up with, slip me a name.

Have a Merry Christmas.

Mayonnaise is not a health food.  I know this because my mother never said “eat your mayo or no dessert.” 

An advertising evil genius is trying to convince us that mayo is good for us.  It is “real food” and implicitly “real food” is good for you.

http://www.hellmanns.com/video_player.aspx

I watched that ad and was so impressed that I ate mayo from the jar with a spoon like it was ice cream.

Sadly, there are a lot of things that are “real” but not good for you.  Cigars, tequila, and bacon are three favorites. All are all natural and all bad.  In my younger days, they were staples of my diet but they had to be replaced with things like fiber, calcium supplements and salads with greens that look like thistle.

If the ad is correct, I made those changes for no reason. The syllogism goes like this:

Real food is good for you;

Mayo is “real food”;

Therefore, you should dip your bacon in butter and slather it in mayo if you want to be healthy.

Politicians shouldn’t be interviewed in front of a turkey killing device.  Not before Thanksgiving and absolutely never when it is in use. Sarah Palin, hero to the far right and those who have been set free from demonic possession via televangelist, needs to be taught this lesson.

Aspiring politicians consider these simple rules:

Rule one:  have a clue about your surroundings.

Rule two: just have a clue generally.

Rule three: if clueless, take a handler with you who isn’t.

Was this a set up? No question. The focal point of the shot is Jethro the turkey assassin, not Palin. She appears to have no idea (or concern) about what is going on behind her. The TV crew clearly knew. Given all that, she still isn’t excused. How can she have so little savvy?

There is undeniable charm to her “oh gosh golly” and “you betcha” persona, but even those who love her must concede that the queen of consignment shopping is a political car wreck. You could never script something as absurd as the post turkey pardon interview being conducted in front of the bird head crushing machine.

I Now Pronounce You Hyphenated:  I received an invitation to a Christmas wedding the other day.  To protect the innocent the names have been changed, but the invitation read: mom and dad are happy to announce the marriage of their daughter Jane Smith-Anderson to Bob Jones-Johnson. This is the first double hyphen union I’ve encountered.  Congratulations to the future Mrs. Smith-Anderson-Jones-Johnson.  Please don’t burden your children with three hyphens.

Californians Love Their Chickens: On Election Day in California there were a number of propositions on the ballot.  The two that interested me the most were Proposition 2 which required standards for the humane treatment of caged farm animals, mostly veal calves, breeding pigs and chickens.  The other was Proposition 8 which was an amendment to the California Constitution which would restrict marriage to heterosexual couples. 

Obama and the chickens won easily but homosexual marriage lost. In an election that had a clear leftward lean, I found that result odd.

In 2000 California passed Proposition 22 to create a state law that only marriage between a man and a woman would be recognized.  The California Supreme Court ruled that law violated the equal protection clause of the California Constitution and found that same sex couples had the “right to marry”.  As a result, approximately 18,000 same sex marriages were conducted in California before Proposition 8 passed.

In the span of eight years, “liberal” California voters rejected same sex marriage twice. Do the people of California prefer chicken rights to homosexual rights?

Bipartisanship:  Obama and McCain met Monday and pledged to work together in the spirit of bipartisanship to resolve the country’s problems.  Congressional Quarterly reports that Obama voted with his party 97% of the time during his tenure in the Senate.  He voted the party line more than any other member of the Senate. Will he be an effective consensus builder and work with Republicans?  

Campaign Promises:  One campaign promise that I intend to hold Obama to is his pledge that he will use the highest office in the land to pursue an NCAA Division I college football playoff system. He has declared that as President he will pressure the NCAA to establish an eight-team playoff.  University presidents and chancellors will determine if the system will be changed. Conservatives tell us that academia is filled with Obama loving, turtleneck wearing liberals.  If that’s true, this should be a done deal.

At long last Brookfield is getting exactly what we need: more chain restaurants.  In the wake of the folding of Pedro’s and the anticipated departure of Krispy Kreme, plans have been announced to replace both establishments with some much needed cookie-cutter chains.  I’m relieved that no restaurants with any uniqueness or character will infiltrate the culinary disaster that is our main dining corridor.

If all approvals are received, what do we have to look forward to? Ruby Tuesday (which is nothing like Applebee’s, T.G.I. Friday’s, Chili’s, Fuddruckers…) and Hooters.  Hooters will generate great debate because of the uniforms the servers wear.  That issue is a distraction to the much more important issue which is the embarrassing and continued stripmallification of Brookfield.

I’m no Hooters aficionado, but I’ve been to a few. The servers wear tight tank tops and short shorts. In its day, that level of sauciness shocked and offended some.  Today, you see more cleavage at Saturday evening church.  The shocking thing about Hooters isn’t the flesh on display but how horrendous the food is.  Its tough to make hot wings inedible, but Hooters does it and the side order of push-up bra can’t fix that.

I’ve heard concern that the brazen harlots will be too close to Swanson School.  That criticism begs the question: why is your 3^rd grader able to wander away from Swanson and end up inside Hooters drinking bourbon and chatting up the “Hooters Girls”?  

These young ladies aren’t “wanton women”.  They’re 19 and 20 year olds, slightly swollen and in need of a job.  Based on limited experience, they seem to be nice but slightly vacuous. My evidence is merely anecdotal, but during my last visit our server overheard a conversation we were having about “LBJ” and asked who he was.  I explained and then disappointingly also had to explain who Lyndon Johnson was.

Deficient knowledge of US history aside, these young women are a decent lot. Their presence in our community isn’t likely to lead to rampant moral degeneration.

I’ve digressed.  The point is that interesting and vibrant cities have eateries that reflect the community’s character.  Does our cadre of unending chain restaurants portray Brookfield as we would like it to be seen?

We’re not Delafield and its manufactured quaintness, but we are unique.  We are the only place in America where the roughest tavern in town- full of brawling drunken hooligans- is a Chuck E. Cheese (before the mouse gave up beer sales).